


Everglow

by katemreece



Category: Star Wars Sequel Trilogy
Genre: Angst, Emotions, F/M, Hurt/Comfort, Love, Suicidal Thoughts
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-01-05
Updated: 2020-02-02
Packaged: 2021-02-27 06:28:25
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 7
Words: 17,923
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22122604
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/katemreece/pseuds/katemreece
Summary: The Rise of Skywalker Spoilers! Do not read if you have not watched! "Then you fade away, into nothing, weighed down by dark matter inside. You leave me frozen. You leave me froze in time, in your Everglow." - Starset
Relationships: Rey & Ben Solo, Rey & Ben Solo | Kylo Ren, Rey/Ben Solo, Rey/Ben Solo | Kylo Ren
Comments: 4
Kudos: 22





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> If you have not seen the Rise of Skywalker, stop reading now. Major spoilers lie ahead. I have been in anguish, and from what I’ve seen online, so are many others. This is just me shredding my heart a little bit more. Who else wants to suffer with me?

With a groan, Ben woke in the pit Palpatine had thrown him in to.

Above him, the chanting voices of the Sith were now silent and the dark stain of Palpatine’s Force signature was gone. The once believe dead Emperor was now truly vanquished and it was all thanks to the small scavenger that had broken down his barriers.

He reached out with the Force, searching for Rey, and found her normally blinding light disturbingly absent.

Ben pushed himself upright on the ledge he had landed on, groaning out a string of curses when his right leg was barely able to hold his weight, and looked up. Thankfully, he hadn’t fallen far, but the climb took far longer than it should have.

When he reached the top, his eyes immediately landed on Rey’s unmoving form. His desperation to get to her now far outweighed his desperation from before, and as best he could, he raced to her side, nearly collapsing next to her.

Horror stilled his heart when he found her eyes open, unseeing. Already, her sun-kissed skin was fading to gray, slowly blending to match the stone debris around them.

Instinct had him pulling her into his lap, hoping that by some miracle his presence would jumpstart her heart and lungs.

But she remained lifeless.

He glanced around, knowing that help wasn’t coming but looking beyond logical thought for someone to appear around the corner any moment now.

However, he knew that even if help arrived right that second, there was nothing anyone could do for her. No amount of bacta patches could replace the life force Palpatine had taken from her, nor could they help her regain the strength she had used in defeating the Sith lord.

Ben pulled her against him, loathing how cold she was, cringing at the darkness enveloping her.

_Please_ , he thought, knowing that with her gone, he had nothing left. Hated by the entire galaxy, the only surviving member of his family, he would never be more alone with her gone as well and should just throw himself back down into the pit he’d climbed out of to save someone else the trouble of killing him.

_Please,_ he begged into the Force. _She doesn’t deserve this._

This amazing woman so suitably named for the light he had been fighting against since joining Snoke had blazed into his life and knocked him on his ass more than once, disarming him both with her saber and her compassion. She had lived a life of hardship, struggling to survive each and every day, forcing herself to believe that her family would come back to find her even while somehow knowing they never would.

Rey deserved so much more than death at the hands of the galaxy’s true enemy.

_Please!_

She had saved him in every sense of the word. Rey had found a way to look past the mask he wore as Kylo Ren and saw Ben Solo hiding beneath. She had believed in him, had offered to help, and though she had refused his hand back in Snoke’s throne room, it was really him that had denied her because he refused to believe he needed saving. And even though she had nearly killed him with her anger and her desperation, she had taken back her actions, healing both his body and mind, bathing him in her light and helping him to find his own again.

Then his eyes shot open as the memory told him exactly what he needed to do.

Ben gripped her unmoving body tightly, staring unseeing at the ground, allowing himself the barest moment to memorize the feel of her small body against his because it was the last chance he would ever have.

Lowering her to rest in his lap was like skinning himself alive, but it needed to be done. He spanned his right hand along her belly and closed his eyes, focusing, searching, reaching for the light she had brought back to him. He found the flickering ember and transferred it into her, bolstering it with his own remaining life force, giving everything he had to her, willing the Force to grant the one thing he wanted above all else.

The result was almost immediate, but he didn’t let up until her slack body tensed, one small hand coming up to cover his own on her abdomen, because part of him was convinced that his broken mind was just conjuring exactly what he so desperately wanted to see.

“Ben!” she gasped, eyes widening as they focus on him, and if he wasn’t already head over heals in love with this woman, then the smile she gifted him with would have made it a sure thing.

She sat up straighter, relieving his shaking arms of some of her weight, but bringing herself closer. One of her hands rose to his face, caressing his cheek, and he leaned against it, reveling in the warmth of her palm and the strength in each digit.

Then she did the most unexpected thing of all and pulled his face to hers, cupping his jawline, pressing her lips against his own.

The kiss was chaste, so tender and joyful. His heart sang, answering the call of hers. He wrapped his arms more fully around her, pressing their chests together so that their hearts could meld and harmonize together, his need to bring her back morphing into a desperation to convey every bit of his love for her.

When they finally pulled away from each other, Ben’s eyes locked on her face, taking in each and every detail, from the sprinkle of freckles across the bridge of her nose and under her eyes to the disheveled curls that had come loose from her bun to frame her face. His fingers carded through her disheveled hair, marveling at how soft it was despite the dust and grime that covered her from head to toe, relishing in the warmth of her touch as her thumbs continued to stroke his face.

He answered her growing smile with one of his own, something he hadn’t allowed himself to do since before he donned the mantle of Kylo Ren, because if this wasn’t reason to smile then nothing else was.

This darling woman, his other half, was alive and well. She would live on to right the galaxy that he had so horribly wronged. She would get to live and love and do all of the things his younger self had once hoped to do. And she would do it surrounded by people who would care for her and protect her.  
His vision blurred and his remaining strength deserted him as he slumped to the floor, happy that her grip on him remained since he could no longer hold onto her.

As darkness closed in around him, he thanked the Force for the moment it had gifted him, allowing him to see her smile, to bask in the softness of her lips and the warmth of her touch.

And while part of him was in anguish over not having more time, the other was comforted by the fact that he wasn’t alone in his final moments, that if he had to die at least it was in the arms of the woman he loved.

He sunk into the Force and finally, after so many years of torture and self-loathing, finally found peace.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Did anyone really think this wasn’t going to be some sort of fix-it fic? I know I might have teased that with chapter one, but what can I say? I hope all of you were just as heartbroken as I was, and I hope you will all forgive me, but I just couldn’t help myself. I really wanted to explore what might have been going through Ben’s head during that scene.  
> Thanks for the favorites, follows, and comment. Keep them coming if you like and want more!

Rey had resigned herself to a fate worse than death only to be pulled back from the brink by one Ben Solo.

His appearance had been wildly unexpected, and a little confusing due to the fresh wounds on his face, but to say that his presence was unwelcome would have been an outright lie.

_Trust me_ , his desperate stare said and she had without hesitation, passing him Luke’s saber through their Force connection.

Everything after that came in flashes: him by her side as they faced Palpatine together, blue sabers glowing in the bitter darkness; pain, the likes of which she’d never experienced, as the once thought dead emperor drained the life force from the both of them; all consuming fear as she gazed into the heavens, watching her friends die, unknowing what had happened to Ben; strength as the Jedi of old answered her pleas and joined her to destroy Palpatine.

Emptiness. Darkness had swallowed her whole, dragging her down into the depths as she lacked the strength to pull herself out.

And just as she ceased struggling with the eventuality of death, she woke in the arms of Ben Solo.

Rey pulled herself upright against him and his name slipped past her lips as she marveled at the state of him, dirty and disheveled. But she looked past all of that to brush against their bond, finding him tamping down a mess of emotions as he stared at her.

But the one thing he couldn’t hide from her was his heart.

She answered its call by pulling his face to hers and sharing a kiss that was all too short, but very much necessary after everything the two of them had been through. Rey loved the way his arms pulled her closer, one hand spanning across her back while the other dove into her hair, his grasp expressing just how welcome the kiss was.

It was over too soon for her liking, but she knew it wasn’t exactly the time nor the place to be letting anything more happen.

Their lips parted but Ben didn’t let her go far, just kept gazing upon her in a way that should have made her uncomfortable. However, Rey delighted in it and found herself doing much the same to him.

This man with so much darkness in his soul had finally found the light again and used it to stand by her side to take down the monster that had haunted and tortured him since childhood. He had saved her life numerous times now, and though one might argue that he was the cause of most of the dangerous situations she’d been in, she couldn’t blame him, not anymore, not now that she knew the truth. Palpatine had been the one pulling his strings long before she and Ben had ever met.

Now, with the Sith lord gone, it was as if the weight of everything he’d been carrying had lifted off his shoulders, and not just the heavy fabric of his cloak. No, there was a brightness in his eyes that she hadn’t seen before and Rey couldn’t help but bask in it.

But just as she opened her mouth to speak, to attempt to put into words what his surprise appearance meant to her, Ben collapsed backward and only her grip on him prevented his head from smacking against the unforgiving stone floor.

His already pale skin grew paler and her heart ceased to beat as his form began to fade.

“No,” she gasped out, gripping the marred fabric of his shirt as if it would tether them together. “Nonononono. You can’t leave.”

Before she was aware of her actions, Rey’s fingers spread across his chest and sought out his life force, surprised to find that it no longer resided within him.

She found it within herself.

“Come back to me,” she whispered into the Force, reaching for his signature, pushing it back to him. “Stay with me. Be with me.”

The transfer began and her body immediately weakened, but Ben stopped fading. She forced more of his energy back into him even though her own body trembled with the effort, and wondered if the process would kill her all over again.

Would they be stuck in a loop? One waking up to find the other fading into the Force? Transferring energy back and forth until there was literally nothing left of either of them?

A glowing light shone across her lids and when she opened her eyes, she came face to face with a woman she never thought she’d see again.

“Leia,” she sighed, relief making her sag even more against the man on the ground.

The woman remained silent as she stepped forward and lowered her hand to Rey’s where it rested against Ben’s chest. Warmth enveloped her and just like before, when all the past Jedi came to her to help her defeat Palpatine, Leia gave her the strength she needed, passing bright healing energy to both of them.

A sob nearly ripped through her as Ben’s chest began to rise and fall under her hand.

“Thank you,” Rey whispered, two silent tears escaping from her eyes as she met the gaze of her mentor. There were so many things she wanted to say, but her mind went blank.

Leia nodded, somehow understanding. “Take care of him.” And then her glow faded.

“Rey,” came a breathless sigh.

Eyes darting to Ben’s face, she found his eyes rolling beneath closed lids.

“Go,” he said, weakly pushing against her hand on his chest, eyelids still fluttering. “Leave me. Run,” he continued, each word punctuated with a labored breath.

“Not without you.” Did he really think she could do that? Just leave him?

The structures around them shuttered and jolted with every crashing ship. How had she not noticed it before? If she didn’t move quickly then they’d be buried beneath the rubble.

Gripping his shoulders, Rey somehow managed to drag him into a sitting position.

“Just go,” he moaned again as he leaned heavily against her shoulder.

Taking his face in her hands, Rey forced his head up, making his unfocused eyes meet hers. “Either we go together or we stay together.” She stroked her thumbs over his cheeks. “I’m not leaving you.” He tried to interrupt her, but she tightened her grip and had to stop herself from shaking him. “No! I am not leaving you to die alone.”

His eyes finally focused on hers for a moment before he heaved out a sigh and began shifting.

Rey took that as his decision and angled herself under his arm, pushing the two of them to their feet, using all of her strength to keep them balanced as he leaned heavily against her.

It was nothing short of a miracle that they made it outside. Rey lost count of how many times they collapsed, either from Ben’s legs giving out on him or her losing her balance from his added weight. And when she tried to recall how she raised the stone dais to bring them to ground level there was a massive blank space where the memory should have been.

But none of the how mattered. What mattered was that they were so close to making it out of the tomblike structure that had hidden the Sith from the rest of the galaxy.

However, when they finally made it out from under the stone structure into the open air, Rey’s optimism that they might actually make it to safety dwindled.

She found Luke’s ship crushed beneath the fiery remains of a downed Resistance fighter. A short distance away sat a lone Tie fighter, but it was of no use since its viewport was smashed in, probably from the crashed ships.

A quick glance at him showed her that Ben’s eyes remained shut as he used all of his strength to just remain upright, letting her lead him around the wreckage.

It wasn’t long before their combined strength faltered and they went down again.

Rey dragged herself out from under his arm and rolled him onto his back, cradling his head in her lap. Taking one of his hands in her own, she rested their entwined fingers on his chest, savoring each and every breath he took, even if they seemed numbered.

Looking up at the sky, she marveled over the light displacing the once dark clouds. Rey attempted to count the tiny ships maneuvering around the falling planet killers, but quickly realized that she’d never be able to keep track of them all. It seemed a good problem to have.

Somewhere out there, she sensed Finn and Poe and Chewie and all of their other friends. Through the Force, she picked up on their adrenaline and joy. The war was finally over. They would make it back to the jungle moon of Ajan Kloss and celebrate.

A new tear escaped her eye, one-part happiness that the galaxy was now free of the stain of the Sith, one-part sorrowful that she wouldn’t get to see her friends go on to live fulfilling lives.

Slumping over, she pressed herself up along Ben’s torso, head coming to rest along his abdomen while his own remained atop her thigh.

At least they were together.


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I’ll try to keep the chapters coming as fast as I can. I have a general idea of where this story is going, but no idea of how long it will take to get there. Let me know what you think!

“We have to go back.”

The words were out of Finn’s mouth before he even registered them.

“What? Why?” Lando asked from the pilot’s seat while Chewie roared his confusion as well.

Eyes unfocused, Finn concentrated on what had made the words spill from his lips and quickly realized what the Force was trying to tell him.

“Rey,” he said. “She’s trapped down there.”

“How can you know that?” Jannah asked from behind him.

“I just know,” he said moving closer to the Falcon’s viewport, casting his gaze to the ground. “There!” He pointed to a miniscule speck just outside the hot zone of a downed ship.

Lando and Chewie steered the Falcon into a dive, dodging pieces of burning planet killers as they squinted to see where Finn was pointing, ultimately trusting him to guide them to a safe landing area.

The ex-Stormtrooper was the first to the door, Jannah and Chewbacca trailing not far behind him while Lando stayed in the pilot’s seat, keeping the Falcon ready for takeoff.

The trio loped across the packed earth, dodging around pieces of downed ships, jumping over a few places where the ground had cracked open. Finn let the Force guide him and was relieved to see it didn’t lead him astray.

Just ahead, lying in one of the few clear spaces, Rey lay curled around a dark figure and it was only as they drew closer that he realized who the extra body belonged to.

Kylo Ren.

Shock stilled Finn’s footsteps and the others nearly ran into him.

“Is that her?” Jannah asked. “Who’s she with?”

Her questions remained unanswered as Finn pushed past his fear and focused on getting his friend away from the enemy.

Sliding to his knees beside Rey, Finn pulled her slight body against his own, so relieved to find her alive even if she was a little worse for wear. Dirt and dust covered her from head to toe, unsurprising considering everything she had probably been through. Luckily, she didn’t appear to be too severely injured, just a few scrapes and bruises. Attached to her belt were not one, but two lightsaber hilts, but he pushed his confusion aside when she spoke.

“Finn?” she groaned. “You came.”

“Yeah, Rey, I’m here.” He began to stand, ready to carry her back to the Falcon, to get her out of this horrible place. But her grasp on Kylo Ren remained.

“We have to save him,” Rey said between heavy sighs. “Leia. Ben. Please.” Her eyes fluttered, struggling to open fully and meet his own. “Not Kylo anymore.”

“Did she just call him Kylo?” Jannah leveled her blaster at the unconscious man on the ground, eyes blazing with both fear and anger. “Is that Kylo Ren?”

“Ben,” Rey replied adamantly.

The man in question remained unconscious even as Rey’s grip on his hand tightened until Finn could see her knuckles whitening under the layers of dirt and blood there.

For a moment, he just stared. Besides the obvious missing mask and heavy layers of black, Finn was unable to discern what was different about the man. Sure, he was in bad shape, but something else had changed and both Rey and the Force were telling him not to leave the man behind to die in this barren place.

Without a word, Chewie strode forward past the still defensive Jannah and forced Rey to let go, physically pulling their hands apart.

“Please, Finn,” Rey gasped. “Ben. Don’t leave him.” She reached back toward the man with a trembling arm, fingers grasping at empty air.

But Chewie was already gathering the large man into his furry arms, staggering under the weight even though his Wookie stature and strength made him much bigger in comparison.

“Chewie’s got him,” Finn assured her so she wouldn’t struggle against him and even with all of the jostling, Rey somehow lost consciousness again.

Thankfully, Jannah remained quiet, just reaching out a steadying hand to assist him on their trip back to the Falcon when a massive ship made the ground buck and shudder beneath their feet.

“Finn, we gotta go,” Lando yelled as they ducked inside and made their way to the main hold.

Chewie roared back at the man, telling him to take off while they figured out how to strap in the two unconscious passengers. In the end, they settled them side by side on the floor and braced themselves as the Falcon took off, swerving and dipping until it reached cruising altitude away from all of the falling ships.

When the Falcon had leveled out, Finn, Chewie, and Jannah left the sleeping pair and joined Lando in the cockpit, Chewie taking his place in the copilot’s chair. The two of them began priming the Falcon for the jump to hyperspace.

“Anyone have eyes on Rey?” Poe called out over the comms.

Everyone in the cockpit looked to Finn and he hesitated before replying. “We’ve got her.”

“Thank the Force!” Poe said back, followed by every other pilot and their crew calling out their own praises and thanks.

It took a few minutes for Poe’s voice to gain strength amongst all of the cheering. “Cut the chatter! Finn, can you hear me? Is she okay?”

“Yeah,” Finn said. “Just resting. We’ll see you when we make it back to base.” He disabled the comms and took a heavy seat in the rear right chair as Lando and Chewie boosted them to hyperspace.

“Wanna tell me about the second body you brought on board?” Lando asked over his shoulder.

Finn sighed. “Not really.” He sat forward and dropped his head into his hands while Chewie took it upon himself to explain. Lando took the news in stride, thankfully withholding the questions he undoubtably had.

What was he supposed to tell everyone when they made it back to base camp? What was he thinking even bringing that man aboard?

A shiver went up his spine, the very one Ren had cut into on Starkiller Base. But that memory didn’t hold a torch to the ones of seeing the man fight Rey.

And what had Rey meant when she said he wasn’t Kylo anymore?

Finn sighed again as he pushed the train of thought away. He’d get some answers soon enough after Rey recovered. He just feared that she wouldn’t be the first to wake up.

~*~*~*~*~

Still unable to come up with a plan, Finn stood ready at the door of the Falcon as Lando and Chewie landed the ship. So far, his only thought was to find Poe and see what his fellow General thought. Everyone else was to remain on the Falcon, tasked with guarding the unconscious pair, preventing anyone from coming on board, and keeping their mouths shut.

Outside, the hot and humid jungle air smacked into him, but he didn’t waver in his direction. He strode through the crowd, halfheartedly waving to those who called out to him, completely ignoring the celebratory shouting as friends and family reunited. 

Finally, he found Poe being harassed into a sling by Harter Kalonia.

“Finn!” Poe’s eyes lit up and he pushed away from the doctor to greet him as he approached. “How did you-“

“It can wait,” Finn interrupted, putting his hands to Poe’s shoulders to stop the hug he knew was coming. “I need you to come with me.” Catching the doctor’s eyes over his friend’s shoulder he added, “you too.”

“Who’s hurt?” Kalonia asked as she grabbed a bag of supplies at her feet.

Poe’s own question quickly followed. “Is it Rey?”

“Just come with me,” Finn said, unwilling to explain anything further until they were away from the celebrating crowd. Luckily, the two fell in line behind him, keeping up with his hurried strides without further question.

They reached the Falcon and Finn led them aboard, heading straight for the main hold where everyone else waited.

Poe froze in the doorway.

“What’s he doing here?” the man exclaimed, hand immediately going to the blaster on his thigh.

“We found them together,” Finn said as he stepped between his friend and the unconscious two on the floor.

Ignoring Poe’s posturing, Doctor Kalonia went straight to her patients, scanning both of them and ripping into her bag of supplies to begin treating their visible wounds, starting with a bloody cut on the back of Rey’s left hand.

“And you thought bringing him here was a good idea?” Poe asked, outrage making his voice rise to a near shout.

“Keep it down,” Finn urged. “We don’t need everyone storming in here to see this.” That was why he hadn’t announced their ‘guest’ over the comms and refused to draw attention to himself outside.

“Why not?” the pilot asked. “I think it’s a great idea. Let them come see the man who nearly destroyed the galaxy.” No doubt if that happened, they’d have a lynch mob on their hands and the man would be dead before they could even get an explanation.

Finn dipped his head, trying to find the right words, but came up with nothing because Poe might never understand. He wasn’t Force sensitive and that was the only thing Finn could come up with to explain why he’d brought Ren back with them. Because the Force had told him to.

_Little Rey insisted we bring him,_ Chewie intoned from where he sat at the Dejarik table with Lando and Jannah.

Poe frowned, shaking his head as he asked, “And why would she do that?”

“You wanna know what I wanted to tell Rey back on Pasaana, back in the sinking fields?” Finn blurted out, deciding to just spill what he hadn’t wanted to discuss before.

“You want to talk about this now?” Poe asked, seeming even more confused by the change in topic.

Finn nodded.

“Seriously? We have Kylo kriffing Ren half dead on the floor in front of us and you suddenly don’t feel like keeping secrets anymore?”

“I’m Force sensitive,” Finn responded.

That shut his fellow General up.

For all of two seconds.

“What?”

“I’m Force sensitive,” Finn repeated. “At least, I think I am.”

Poe’s mouth opened and closed a few times before his mind finally settled on a train of thought. “That’s what you didn’t want to talk about in front of me?”

“That’s what you’re focusing on right now?” Finn spat back.

Poe threw his hands in the air, grimacing when the gesture pulled at the wound on his arm. “Fine! What does that have to do with them?”

“Rey died down there.”

“She looks pretty alive to me.”

Finn rolled his eyes. “I felt her die, through the Force. And I think he brought her back.”

“Is that even possible?” Poe asked, then held up his hand, stopping Finn’s next response. “You know what? I don’t even care. What I do care about is how you think that changes anything? He’s still the asshole who tortured me. He had a whole village murdered in front of me. Hell, he had planets, _entire planets_ destroyed!”

“I know, but we can’t kill him.”

“You’re defending him? You of all people? I seem to remember that it was him who sliced your back open.”

“I know. I haven’t forgotten,” Finn said. “But there’s something . . . different about him now.” He peered down at the subject of their argument, looking for some physical indication of what made him so sure something had changed.

“What? Like he’s suddenly seen the light?” Poe mocked, unknowing how close to the truth he was.

“I don’t know,” Finn confessed.

“They’re connected.”

The group turned to the doorway and settled on the small form of Maz Kanata. She pushed past Poe and moved around Doctor Kalonia to settle on the floor between the two that were the center of everyone’s attention. They tensed as Maz touched a few fingers to each of their foreheads, closing her eyes.

“What’s that supposed to mean?” Poe asked.

Maz ignored the confused man in favor of focusing on the unconscious pair before her.

“What am I missing?” the pilot muttered more to himself to anyone else as he ran a frustrated hand through his already messy curls.

“We’re a Force Dyad.”

Everyone dropped their gazes to the floor, realizing that their prone friend had finally regained consciousness.

“Rey!”

Both Finn and Poe dropped to their knees beside her. Finn took up her bandaged left hand in both of his, pressing his lips to her knuckles while Poe’s hand looped around her wrist just below his own grip.

Maz sat back. “I always knew you were special,” she said, a wry grin alighting her eyes as she gazed down at the woman.

“You were right,” Rey whispered back.

“Dyad?” Poe asked.

Rey lifted her chin in a slight nod. “Ben said it first, then Palpatine confirmed it.”

“But what is it?” Poe’s thumb grazed Finn’s as it stroked across Rey’s dusty skin.

She dropped her gaze away from theirs, settling on the open air between them before shifting to the man on the floor next to her. “I – I don’t know exactly.”

Doctor Kalonia interrupted any possible interrogation with questions of her own, asking Rey about other unseen injuries.

“I’m fine,” Rey reassured. “Just tired.” She turned her gaze again to the man splayed beside her on the floor. “What about Ben?”

No one missed her use of the man’s birth name rather than the one he had taken up years before.

“My scans indicate he has a minor concussion, a few broken ribs on his left side, and his right femur is fractured,” Kalonia rattled off.

“Will he be okay?” Rey asked.

Kalonia nodded. “It’ll take some time.” She hesitated to say more, gazing around the room at the rest of them, because like everyone else, she knew who the man on the floor was and what he had done. But everyone knew she took her vow as a Doctor very seriously, and no matter what decision was made by the rest of the group, she would still treat him without bias.

“Rey, what happened down there?” Poe asked, drawing her attention back to them.

“I have so much to tell you,” she said, eyes coming to back to meet theirs, filling with tears as her lower lip and chin quivered.

“It can wait,” Finn said, pushing everyone’s curiosity aside. “Let’s get you cleaned up first.”

“What should we do with him?” Poe asked, his gaze hyper-focused on the still unconscious man on the floor.

They couldn’t exactly sneak him off the Falcon and the medical tents were going to see lots of foot traffic over the next few days while everyone recovered from their wounds. Not many people had seen the face of Kylo Ren, and even fewer knew that he was the disgraced Ben Solo, son of the late General Leia. But having a stranger in their midst was sure to raise questions.

“Leave him here for now,” came Maz’s voice. “I’ll stay with him until we figure something out.”

_I’ll stay with you,_ Chewie growled as he took up a position near the doorway.

“Let me go and grab a few things,” Kalonia said as she got to her feet. “I can work on him here.”

Everyone turned to Lando and Jannah. The two had remained quiet during the entire conversation.

“Can we trust you both to keep this to yourselves for now?” Finn asked.

Lando crossed his arms, a look of annoyance flashing across his weathered features, while Jannah just glanced over at the older man, waiting for his response.

“Please, we don’t want to have a riot on our hands before we know all of the answers.” Finn met Lando’s gaze with his own determined one.

Finally, the older man bobbed his head once. “We won’t say anything.” He turned to Jannah. “Will we, girly?”

She shook her head looking a little alarmed to have everyone’s eyes on her.

“Let’s head out and celebrate with everyone then.” Lando offered the young woman his arm. “I’m interested to hear your story.” The two of them disappeared around the corner, exiting the Falcon with little fuss.

Finn turned his attention back to his friend and found her reaching across the short space between herself and Ren, limb shaking as if she were crossing some vast distance. Her right hand landed on his limp left one, squeezing his fingers with her own weak ones.

“I’ll be back soon, Ben,” she whispered before letting go and attempting to sit up on her own.

Finn didn’t let her get far. Shoving one arm beneath her shoulders and the other under her knees, he hefted her back up into his arms and stood, letting Poe steady him with a hand on his back.

“I can walk,” Rey grumbled even as she rested her head on his shoulder.

Finn snorted, knowing that was a lie, but deciding not to call her out on it.

Poe descended the ramp first, heading into the crowd to find Rose, knowing that Rey was weak enough to need help cleaning up but was too modest to let either him or Finn help. Kalonia followed next, heading straight to her medical tent for supplies, telling Finn to come get her if they needed help taking care of Rey.

Finn and Rey were the last to leave, keeping to the outskirts of the celebrating group. He knew Rey wouldn’t want to draw attention to herself given the state she was in, so he quickly made his way toward the few refresher tents to wait for Poe and Rose.

His mind raced from question to question, but he forced them down, wanting to give Rey time. She was so exhausted she looked like she’d sleep for the next few days straight.

There was no doubt that what she had to say was going to upset them, but Finn wouldn’t allow himself to get worked up over it yet. All he wanted was to focus on the fact that the war was over, or at least mostly so, and that most of his friends had survived.


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> With this chapter I’m probably taking a bit of creative control with how much our characters know. I’ve only seen TRoS twice and would love to say that I have all of the dialogue memorized, but we all know that would be a stretch. So, as I said, some of the characters’ knowledge in my story might not be canon.
> 
> This chapter is also a bit of a retelling, and I know it might seem boring, but I felt that it was important to include so the characters could work through a lot of emotions together.

Growing up on her own on Jakku had taught Rey many things, the first of which was to depend on no one but herself, and the second being that physical touch between people was, more often than not, a cause for concern. She had received her fair share of beatings, whether it be from Plutt’s hands at not finding better salvage, or from a fellow scavenger for finding something good before they could.

Joining the Resistance had slowly worn away at the defensive shield she had put up, especially considering her two closest friends were very touchy, feely people. Trusting them and asking for help had been difficult and was still something she struggled with. However, it hadn’t taken long for her to get used to their constant pats on the arm or shoulder. At first, they had kept the hugging to a minimum, reserved only for very special occasions, letting her adapt to their ways, and now she found herself wishing for just one more hug from each of them because she feared that after she told them everything, they wouldn’t want to be anywhere near her, let alone want to hug her.

After a quick bath and some fresh clothes, Rey sat propped against a mound of well-worn cushions in a nearby, quiet cave with a blanket wrapped around her shoulders. Exhaustion was threatening to take hold and the mug of hot tea Rose had shoved into her hands earlier wasn’t helping matters. Her closest female friend had disappeared to continue managing the influx of Resistance fighters since Connix was grounded to a bed in the medical tent, though she had promised Rey that she would find her later to check in again.

Both BB-8 and D-O had found her earlier, expressing their concern. Rey had almost fallen over in her effort to lean down to sooth the two rolling droids. They had since disappeared into the crowd to help those that might need it.

Finn made himself comfortable beside her on the padded ledge while Poe sat across from them on some box of equipment. The two men watched her closely, waiting for her to begin her explanation.

How did she surmise everything that had happened, let alone do it in a way that they would understand? And then there was the fact that she would have to repeat the story to all those that weren’t there with them now. All she wanted to do was go back to the Falcon where she could be near Ben and sleep for the next century.

She sighed and looked up from the steaming mug in her hands, eyeing the two men sitting with her, half hoping they would ask a question so she wouldn’t have to keep stewing with her own thoughts.

But they remained silent, waiting for her to begin, which was entirely unlike Poe. But something in the situation kept him quiet, letting her begin where she felt she should.

“Where do you want me to start?” she finally asked, unsure if she should begin with how she had lied to them about her connection to Ben, or with what happened on Exogol, or with why the ex-Supreme Leader was lying unconscious on the Falcon.

Poe opened his mouth, but Finn beat him to it.

“How about you start at the beginning,” he said and Rey nearly cursed at his word choice, because the reality was that all of this started long before any of them were even born, but she knew that wasn’t where he actually meant for her to start explaining.

Deciding to clear her conscious first, she began with, “I haven’t been honest with you about what happened with Luke, or afterwards.”

She had lied to everyone after finding them on Crait, telling them that she had tried to convince Luke to come back with her, that she had left him on Ahch-To and followed the tracking beacon to interrupt the battle with the First Order. Thankfully, Chewie and R2 had gone along with it, leaving out her side mission on the Finalizer.

“I guess I should actually start with Starkiller Base,” she said, backtracking as she realized that was where the connection with Ben began.

Again, Poe opened his mouth, probably to ask a question, but Finn motioned for him to keep quiet.

“When Ben interrogated me there, a connection was formed, a bond,” she knew she was messing it up, but once the words started flowing there was no stopping them. She told them about their interactions on Ahch-To, about how Luke revealed the truth about what had happened with Ben as a teen, and about the vision she had when they touched hands. “I saw him turn from the dark side, so I went to him on the Finalizer. I thought that I could help him.” But just like Luke had told her, none of it had gone the way she thought it would. She told them about Ben turning against Snoke, killing his master to save her, then fighting alongside her against the red-armored guards. “He asked me to join him.” And she had so wanted to, hating how broken and lost he had looked in that moment. She forced herself to skip ahead, because they pretty much knew everything else that had happened after that. “The Force connected us again on Passana, at the festival. That’s how the First Order found us so quickly.”

And for the first time since starting her story, she fumbled with what came next. Because over the next few interactions with Ben, her true heritage was revealed.

“He told me who my parents really were,” she found herself whispering, dropping her eyes to her hands which had abandoned the mug of tea some time ago to clutch at the blanket wrapped around her shoulders. “I’m the granddaughter of Palpatine.” And even though she had somehow expected the words to lift the weight that had settled over her, they didn’t. If anything, they made her cringe, folding into herself as if she could hide that part of herself from her friends’ view.

“Wait, wait, wait,” Poe said, unable to stop himself from interrupting her. “You’re related to Palpatine?”

Rey gulped and forced herself to nod. “Both he and Ben confirmed it.” A tear tumbled down her cheek as her throat worked to swallow the lump there so she could continue. “Ben said Palpatine had ordered him to kill me. But he wanted me to join him instead, to go with him to Exogol to kill Palpatine.”

“Then why were you fighting each other on Kef Bir?” Finn asked quietly.

Rey took in a shuddering breath. “I lost control,” she admitted. “Like I did on Pasaana with the ship.” The tears streamed heavily down her face now and she didn’t bother to hide them or wipe them away. “When I found the Wayfinder I saw a vision of myself going to the Dark Side and I was so afraid. And then Ben was there and he destroyed the Wayfinder, telling me that the only way I’d get to Exogol was with him. I feared that I’d give in.” A half sob slipped from between her lips. “I lost control. I attacked him and all he did was defend himself.” At the time, the way he had toyed with her angered her beyond recognition, wearing her down until. . . “Leia reached out to him, through the Force. I lost control. I almost killed him.”

Shame swept over her as she remembered the way her instincts had driven her to press the advantage the dying woman had given her. How could she do that? Maim a man while he felt his own mother dying?

Rey’s throat closed up, her breaths coming in choked pants until her lungs screamed for air.

Finn immediately wrapped his arms around her. “Easy now. Come on, breathe.”

But she couldn’t. They knew now of her struggle with the Dark Side, how scared she was of it, and how easily she could lose control. They would leave her, just like her family had. They would fear her, as they should, and she would be all alone

“Hey,” Finn’s voice broke through her rambling thoughts. “We’re not going anywhere.” He pressed his lips to her hair and held her trembling body, making her realize that she had spoken aloud of her fears.

Poe left his seat to kneel before her, hands going to her folded legs to squeeze and stroke, trying to comfort her, showing her that, just like Finn said, they weren’t going anywhere.

When logic finally pushed through the wave of emotion, she was finally able to take a proper breath.

They hadn’t run at her confession. Finn and Poe had stayed. They weren’t afraid of her, maybe afraid of what she could do, but not of her.

“I’m sorry,” she finally said as she wiped away her tears.

“It’s okay,” Finn replied, continuing to rub her shoulder.

“Do you think you can tell us what happened next?” Poe asked, his normally smirking expression now one of concern.

She nodded and ran the corner of her blanket over her face to dry her tears. “I felt her. Leia. She called out to Ben and I used the distraction to stab him. With his own lightsaber.” Her voice cracked again, but she pushed through it because they needed to know everything. “He fell and – and I felt Leia go. I felt her die. And I couldn’t just leave him there. I couldn’t leave Leia’s son there to die alone like she had.” So she had healed him, not just of the mortal wound, but of all his scars.

The rest of her story came tumbling out, her stealing Ben’s ship to fly to Ahch-to, planning to exile herself, Luke appearing, and finally her going to Exogol to face Palpatine alone.

“He wanted me to kill him. He said his power would pass to me and I’d become the Lord of the Sith like he had. I refused and he told me that you would all die if I didn’t.” Her gaze flicked between them, knowing they would understand the impossibility of her choice. “I was about to do it. I was about to kill him, and then the Force showed me Ben. He was there. He came to Exogol to face Palpatine on his own.”

“Did he tell you that?” Poe asked.

“No,” Rey replied, shaking her head. “I just knew it, felt it.” She told them about how Ben killed his knights and stood by her side against Palpatine, about how the Sith Lord had easily overpowered them and absorbed their life forces to bring himself back to some semblance of life.

Rey trembled as she recalled the pain and fear, how badly she had tried to fight it, sensing Ben doing the same beside her, but unable to do anything.

“When I woke up, Ben was gone. I don’t know what Palpatine did with him. But I saw your ships falling.”

Poe nodded. “There was a power surge. Lightning struck our ships and everything began to malfunction.”

“It was him, Palpatine.” Rey gulped, steadying herself for their reaction to the next part of her story because even as she thought about it, she knew it sounded farfetched. “The Jedi spoke to me. They spoke and I knew what I needed to do.” She told them of how she got to her feet even while the Sith Lord mocked her and tried to kill her. She skimmed over how she took up both lightsabers to turn his lightning against him, merely finishing with, “in the end, he destroyed himself.”

Her two friends stared at her for a moment, probably mulling over how much of her story seemed plausible and how much they themselves believed.

“So did you find Ren after that?” Poe asked.

Finn tensed beside her, gripping Rey a bit tighter.

“He found me,” she replied, wondering how to tell them what happened after Palpatine was gone.

“You died,” Finn whispered.

Rey pulled away slighting, turning her gaze to him. “How did you know that?”

“I felt it,” he answered, eyes flitting from hers to somewhere over her shoulder and back.

And something pulled at her senses, shoving the truth in her face.

“You’re Force Sensitive.”

Finn nodded hesitantly. “I think so. That’s what I was trying to tell you before.”

“Then you know what happened next, don’t you?” she asked, saving her wonder at his revelation for a later time.

“He brought you back,” Finn said.

"How?” Poe asked before she could reply.

“Do you remember the vexis snake?” she asked, knowing that was the only way she could explain it.

They both gave a quick, single nod. “You healed it.”

“I transferred some of my life force to it. Just like I did with Ben when I almost killed him. That’s what Palpatine took from us to regain his body.” Rey nibbled at her lips even as they formed her next words. “Ben transferred his life force to me. All of it.”

“All of it?” Poe’s bros wrinkled. “Shouldn’t that have killed him?”

“It almost did,” Rey agreed. “Leia, she came to me, helped me bring him back. She gave us both the strength to get out of there. I’m not sure how, but whatever she did, it worked.”

“And then I found you outside,” Finn supplied.

They lapsed into silence, Finn and Poe mulling over everything they had learned and Rey just waiting, wondering what they had to say and if they would finally reject her.

But Finn never stopped holding her and Poe’s hands remained on her knee, and though she was still getting used to how tactile and affectionate the two of them were, she was thankful for the continued connection because it meant that they weren’t leaving her.

“Why didn’t you tell us?” Poe asked. “About the Force Bond, connection, whatever it is. Why didn’t you tell us?”

Tears pooled in her eyes again, spilling over faster than she could catch them. “I was scared.” Her words came out in a shamed whisper. “I worried you might think I was a spy or something for the First Order.”

“You were afraid we’d leave you,” Finn replied.

Poe stood and leaned over her, bringing their faces to the same level. “Get it through that thick skull of yours.” The wrinkles around his eyes became more pronounced as he smiled softly. “We’re not going anywhere.” Then he pressed his lips to her forehead in a swift, but meaningful kiss. “We’re not leaving you.”

A whole new wave of tears washed over her and she found herself sandwiched between both men. It was tangle of limbs, with her head resting on Poe’s shoulder and Finn’s pressed against both of theirs. She was finally able to breathe a little lighter even though they held her tight.

Finally, the truth was out and her hesitancy to trust them with it now seemed silly. They weren’t going to leave her. And while they were all uncertain of the future, they weren’t going to cast her aside for something she couldn’t control. Maybe they would even begin to understand once Ben woke up and explained his side of things.

When the tears finally subsided, Poe was the first one to break away.

He stood before them, one hand on his hip, other still confided to the sling. “As much as I hate to end this cozy little snuggle session, we have one more thing to talk about.”

Ben.

“How many people know who he really is?” Finn asked.

“Only a handful really,” Poe replied. “The few that were with us on Crait. Most everyone else has no idea that Kylo Ren was Leia’s son, let alone seen his face.” He caught Finn’s musing look. “But that doesn’t mean I think we should welcome him with open arms.”

Rey tried her best to listen as her two friends spoke, throwing various ideas back and forth. She knew it was an important decision, one that she should be involved with, but her eyelids stopped cooperating. They drooped heavily and she found herself leaning more and more against Finn.

It took her a few moments to realize that someone had asked her a question.

“What?” she asked, blinking heavily, trying with all of her might to focus her gaze on one of them.

“She’s half asleep already,” Poe said.

Finn shifted, began lowering her to lay along the cushions. “She needs to rest.”

“Not here,” Rey said, still somehow awake enough to know she didn’t want to fall asleep where she was. “The Falcon.”

If either man had a problem with her request, they didn’t voice it. Finn picked her up again, blanket too, and carried her back the way they’d come, again taking the long route so they didn’t attract too much attention from everyone else.

Chewie purred softly upon their arrival.

“She’s fine,” Finn replied, keeping his voice quiet as well. “Any change with him.”

Rey wasn’t coherent enough to discern any further responses.

Through the Force, the bond between her and Ben vibrated gently, soothing the itch that Rey only just realized had been bothering her during the few hours of their separation. It seemed that as weak as they both were, the greater the distance between them, then the more agitated the Bond became. But now, being in the same room as one another, the Bond quieted to a comforting pulse, welcoming her into sleep’s open arms.


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I bet some people are anxious to see our two favorite characters finally interacting again. Well, look no further. It only took me five chapters to get there, so thanks for sticking with it. However, their reunion might not go the way you think.

Rey found her recovery to be much slower than expected.

She had originally thought that after a good night’s sleep, she would be back to normal. Instead, even after sleeping more than a dozen hours straight, she found that her whole body ached, begging her to stay in bed, or rather on the cot someone had put together on the Falcon for her.

But she refused, knowing that she could be of use in one way or another. Rather than argue with her about it, Finn and Poe let her bring food and water to those in the medical tents, that way someone always had an eye on her and could treat her if she exhausted herself further.

Which was inevitable.

After only two hours of bringing drinks around to those immobilized by their injuries, Rey stumbled and fell, sloshing water all over herself.

“You’re pushing yourself too hard,” Doctor Kalonia said, having witnessed the accident, putting a voice to what everyone else was thinking.

“I’m fine,” Rey insisted even as she struggled to get to her feet.

Rose appeared out of nowhere, helping her to sit on an overturned crate.

“You need to rest.”

“But I can help.”

“You can’t even stand on your own,” Rose scolded, hands on her hips. Even with her shorter stature, the woman had somehow mastered the art of imposing her will upon others. Rey had seen Rose work her own version of a Jedi mind trick to get her way and was a little in awe of her.

There was no arguing against the truth, so Rey sighed and allowed her friend to help her back to the Falcon where Chewie stood guard.

Ben remained unconscious, undisturbed by her reappearance.

Earlier that morning, Doctor Kalonia had reassured her that he was healing. She had applied a brace to his leg to keep the bone immobile. There wasn’t much they could do for his broken ribs aside from apply bacta patches and keep them wrapped since they didn’t have a full bacta tank to submerge him in. Those wounds would take a couple of weeks to heal whereas the few scrapes and cuts he had received were already well on their way to gone, much like her own.

They hadn’t been left alone since arriving back at base. Those that knew who he was were too worried about what he might do when he woke and all of them knew she was in no condition to fight him off, ignoring her assurances that he wouldn’t harm her. Until he woke and answered their questions, Finn and Poe were adamant that he be guarded at all times.

_Did Little Rey overdo it?_ Chewie asked upon their entrance. The Wookie came over and helped her to her cot.

“Of course, she did,” Rose answered. “I doubt she knows how to take a break.”

Rey huffed. Even though they all knew about how she was brought up on Jakku, none of them seemed to understand how difficult it was to suddenly turn off everything that had been ingrained in her. If she didn’t work, she didn’t eat. It was as simple as that. No matter how tired or sore she was, none of it stopped her from working. Taking a break wasn’t an option.

Plus, there was the fact that there were people out there that needed help and she was of no use just sitting inside the Falcon.

“I’m fine.” Rey repeated her words from earlier.

“No, she’s not,” Rose insisted.

Chewie snorted. _I’ll make sure she rests._

“I don’t want to see you outside this ship until lunch,” Rose said before heading back outside.

Rey huffed and leaned back against the wall of the main hold.

_Don’t be angry_ , Chewie said as he took a seat back at the dejarik table where he was busy cleaning his bowcaster. _They care about you._

“I know,” Rey said with a sigh. “I just don’t enjoy feeling useless.”

_You’re anything but useless, Little Rey._

Rey didn’t reply, still not completely comfortable with compliments or any kind of affirmation.

Glancing around the hold for something to occupy her hands, her gaze landed on Ben and stayed there.

She had no many questions. And almost all of them circled around the unconscious man that had saved her life.

After discovering their Bond through the Force, Rey had been cautious about bringing him up to anyone lest they begin to suspect anything. She knew it wasn’t exactly a rational fear. Leia would have been the only one who might have figured it out, and Rey had taught herself early on how to wall off her mind to others.

But now, her closest friends knew everything, or at least her side of things so what reason was there for her to hide her curiosity?

“What was he like?” she found herself asking. “As a child, I mean.”

Glancing across the space, she watched as Chewie tensed, his efficient movements suddenly stalling.

“I’m sorry,” she said quickly. “I didn’t mean –“

_It’s okay,_ Chewie replied.

“You don’t have to talk about him if you don’t want to.” She didn’t want to make him uncomfortable, or at least more so than the situation had already done. But he was the only one she could ask now.

_I don’t mind._ The Wookie began fiddling with his weapon again, refusing to look up, as if looking at Ben was too painful. _He was a happy baby. Many smiles and much laughter._

Rey wasn’t sure what she expected Chewie to say, but that wasn’t it.

The man she had come to know never smiled. The closest he had come to it was his annoying habit of shooting her condescending smirks when she sneered at him during their first few conversations through the Force.

No, that wasn’t entirely true, she realized.

He had smiled at her back on Exogol, something so genuine and warm and profound that part of her wasn’t even sure it had really happened. But she couldn’t forget the wave of happiness that had smothered her when his full lips had curved into that hesitant but earth-shattering smile so it had to have been real.

_Han and I taught him to fly the Falcon when he was only five standard years. He was a natural, just like his father._ Chewie’s expression fell as he glanced over at Ben.

Rey dropped her gaze to her hands as they fiddled with a loose thread along the hem of her pants, wanting to give the Wookie some privacy to compose himself and also not wanting to bare witness to his possible breakdown.

_Little Ben loved to learn,_ Chewie continued. _But he hated school. I think he was bullied for a time._ He sighed. _He became quiet, withdrawn. Then angry, began getting into trouble._

Rey knew that was something she would never understand due their vastly different upbringings, but she held out hope that maybe someday, he would tell her more about it

_He was only ten when Han and Leia sent him to train with Luke._ His hands stilled in their work. _I only saw him twice after that._

And somehow, she knew that his thoughts had drifted, landing on the one where father and son had met for the last time.

Not once had they spoke of that moment and though Rey wanted to comfort the Wookie, she knew it was best to keep her mouth shut and let him work it out with Ben when the man finally woke.

_I’m sorry, Little Rey,_ Chewie growled as he stood, leaving his weapon sitting on the table. _I’m not ready. . ._

He didn’t finish his thought as he made a hasty exit.

Rey’s gaze lingered on the empty doorway even after he left, watching to see if someone else would come stand guard.

But after a while when no one else appeared, her eyes strayed back to the unconscious man.

Only a few paces separated them and while a small part of her wanted to draw closer, to reassure herself that he wasn’t just some vison her mind had conjured, the majority was content to remain where she was and just observe, letting her mind wander through the multitude of questions she had.

How long was it going to take for him to wake up?

How would things change between them when he finally did?

Because there was no denying the shift. There was no way she could force herself to forget what had happened between them, let alone the fact that he had saved her, brought her back to life, giving everything he had left to give in order for her to survive.

She cuddled down against her pillow, too cowardly to cross the distance between them, even though an increasingly louder part of her urged her to. The safety and security she had found in his arms was alarming given their history of violence, but the Bond called out to her.

Opening herself to it again, she basked in the warmth that surrounded her, his newfound light, finally unburied and shining bright amongst the darkness that he used to wear like a protective cloak.

Just as she was drifting off again, light footsteps drew her attention.

Maz appeared in the doorway. Her small figure crossed the space slowly, approaching Rey and settling on the edge of her cot. Grabbing the hastily folded blanket near Rey’s feet, Maz shook it out and settled it over her.

“Is Chewie okay?” Rey asked.

“He will be,” she replied. “He’s just confused.”

Rey nodded, choosing to remain silent. She understood some of the conflict the Wookie was facing. She was dealing with a bit of her own regarding Ben.

“What do we do now?” The words slipped out of her mouth before she even registered them.

Maz smiled. “We live.”

It was such a simple statement, but one that seemed to hold the weight of the galaxy.

Rey knew how to survive. She had done that her entire life. It was second nature for her. But that was different from living.

Her time with the Resistance had given her a taste of what _living_ actually meant. In between all of the fighting, there were moments where they were allowed to settle down, to enjoy each other’s company. But there was always that underlying goal of defeating the enemy that kept them from getting too comfortable.

What was she supposed to do now? Now that she knew the truth about her past. Now that she knew she hadn’t actually been abandoned by unloving parents on that desert planet. Now that the war was over.

What more was there for her to do? She knew nothing of politics so there was no way for her to contribute to the restructuring of the galaxy. All she really knew was scavenging and fixing things.

And what of her connection to the Force? She could still feel it in fleeting touches as she reached out to it and her Bond with Ben was still undeniably present. However, any attempt to _use_ the Force had been met with disappointment. Maybe she was just too weak and needed time to regain her strength.

But what if that didn’t happen? What if she couldn’t use the Force anymore? What good was she otherwise?

As if she understood Rey’s inner turmoil, Maz stroked gentle fingers over her hair and said, “you have time now. Time to figure out what living means for you. Time to figure out what you truly want.”

Rey sighed as Maz continued her ministrations, relaxing into the contact, both grateful for the comfort and while also mourning the fact that she couldn’t remember if her mother had done something similar to sooth her as a child.

~*~*~*~*~

Awareness came in waves.

Sometimes he’d catch wind of voices nearby. Other times it was the annoyance of hands probing his body that lured him to the surface. But each and every time, he was dragged back under by some unknown force.

Memories were much the same. The comfort of his mother carding her fingers through his hair as he drifted off to sleep bled into his father taking him flying on the Falcon for the first time. Or how afraid he was when his strength in the Force compelled his parents to send him off to be trained by his uncle.

After what seemed like eons, his eyes finally drifted open and through a hazy film he studied his surroundings. Recognition hit him like a blaster bolt and he huffed. Evidently whatever afterlife he had expected to find himself in wanted to mess with his head by showing him his father’s ship.

The old thing was still just as beat up as he remembered from the last time he had been aboard, maybe even more so. Parts lay in piles around the edges of the main hold.

Thankfully, his mind was blissfully silent. The only voice in his head was his own and he gloried in the realization that he could finally hear his own thoughts without the addition of anyone else’s.

“It’s about time you woke up,” she said, adjusting the glasses over her eyes. Her orange skin was marred by new lines of stress, yet she sat straighter than he could recall, as if her shoulders were now free of the weight they used to carry from running her watering hole with its questionable clientele.

“Maz?” he questioned. “Are you dead, too?” Or was he just doomed by the Force to have her visage to guide him through this aspect of the afterlife.

“I am very much alive, young Solo,” she replied with a wry grin. “As are you.”

He lifted an ungloved hand to his head, limb shaking with the effort it took as he rubbed his fingers over his eyes, trying to clear the fog that just didn’t want to lift.

“Don’t lie to me,” he groaned. “Why am I here?” Surely, she could explain to him what lesson there was for him to learn from being on his father’s ship. Wasn’t his guilt already heavy enough? Or did the Force really expect him to try to make peace with his demons while the ghost of his father looked on from each and every nook and cranny?

“I’m not lying to you, young Solo,” Maz replied.

He frowned, keeping his eyes closed, half afraid that if he opened them, he’d still be on the Falcon, yet also afraid of what he might see next. “Where are we?”

“We are at the Resistance base on the jungle moon of Ajan Kloss,” she answered, surprising him with the name of a place he actually recognized.

Shouldn’t she have said they were in some other realm, the Force’s version of hell or purgatory?

“I’m alive?” he whispered, realizing the weight of her earlier statement.

If he was alive, then did that mean. . .

Rey!

His eyes flew open, frantically searching the open space around them, listening for the sounds of her tinkering or the huff of her frustrated breath.

Nothing.

Was Rey gone? Had he failed to bring her back? Had saving her just been some crazy dream his mind had concocted in its effort to save him from his infinite shortcomings?

He reached out with the Force, hunting for her but came up terrifyingly empty just as his eyes and ears had.

“Where is she?” he demanded, fear giving him the strength he needed to push himself up off the pallet of blankets on the floor. “Where’s Rey?”

“Easy now,” Maz said as she came near, holding her tiny hands out. “You shouldn’t move yet.”

“Where is she?” He didn’t bother waiting for her to answer, hobbling around her small form and down the hall to the boarding ramp. “Rey!”

Stumbling out of the Falcon, Ben staggered into a small clearing, ignoring the shouting of the former pirate as she followed. The humidity swept over him, sweat making his shirt cling to his torso, but he didn’t let it hinder his search.

Even when they closed the Bond between them, he had still felt her, but now, he sensed nothing. Her light was gone. Even the battling light and dark within him was unreachable.

Why couldn’t he feel her?

“Rey,” he croaked, throat spasming, choking on the unimaginable thought of having failed to save her.

People stopped to stare as he took a few hobbling steps, pain shooting through him with each one, fractured leg still protesting its use. But he ignored it all, mind hyper-focused on one thing.

“Rey? Rey!” The booming roars tore from his lungs, making his broken ribs spasm and almost steal his breath.

Then, like a beacon, she appeared, slim body managing to slip its way through the crowd of gawking onlookers.

Ben took a few staggering steps toward her, dragging his injured leg much like he had in the stone tomb on Exogol before he finally lost his balance and pitched forward to the grassy ground.

Rey was there in an instant, hands grabbing at his shoulders to catch him, lowering him to the ground as best she could under his superior weight.

“You’re alive?” he whispered. His hands immediately went to her face, cradling her cheeks as he marveled her realness, then began to frantically explore her, unbelieving that she was actually there in front of him.

“Yes,” she replied with a nod.

The warmth of her touch was undeniable and it seemed to be the only thing that grounded him, that stilled his racing thoughts and focused him.

He marveled over her sun-kissed skin and the smattering of freckles across her face. A still healing cut marred the space between her right brow and hairline, but that was the only injury he could immediately spot.

Then the horror of what she must have done struck him.

“What did you do?” he asked, eyes darting back and forth between her own.

She had the gall to smile at him as she said, “I gave you back some of what you gave to me.”

“No no no. What did you do?” he moaned.

Her brow furrowed, expression morphing from surprised concern to befuddled confusion.

“What did you do?” he repeated, hands latching onto her upper arms with a strength he hadn’t thought he was capable of in his current state.

She shook her head. “What are you talking about?”

Of course, she didn’t get it. She was too much of everything he wasn’t to understand what he meant.

“You should have let me die.” The words slipped from his lips quietly.

“What? No, Ben,” she began, shaking her head.

“You should have let me die,” he shouted, dark eyes glaring down into her lighter ones, hands gripping her shoulders with a bruising pressure he would later hate himself for. “Why didn’t you let me die?”


	6. Chapter 6

Rey couldn’t believe what she was hearing.

“You should have let me die. Why didn’t you let me die?”

Ben’s dark gaze bore into her own, pleading with her, begging for an explanation, one that she thought would have been perfectly clear.

“I couldn’t just leave you,” she replied quietly, half aware that they were out in the open, flaunting his presence in everyone’s faces, but uncaring because he was questioning the one thing he shouldn’t be questioning.

“Why not?” he begged, voice cracking, making her heart ache. “You could have died.”

“And you almost did,” she argued back, voice raising without her permission.

He groaned again, head drooping between his shoulders even as his grip on her arms remained. “You should have let me.” He repeated the words over and over as he shook his head, entire body shaking with tremors.

It was then that she realized what he truly meant with that statement.

"Ben, did you want to die there?” She whispered the words, afraid of his answer even though she already knew what it was.

“Yes!” he shouted, head snapping up so their eyes could meet again, his stare blazing with intensity, leaving no room for argument. He meant what he said and the reality of it stopped her previously elated heart. “You should have let me die. Why? Why didn’t you? You should-you should have let me die. What did you _do_! Youshouldhaveletmedie!” His words began trailing into one another as he repeated the sentence over and over.

His bruising grip on her arms weakened, as did the rest of him, and his head bent forward to rest against her shoulder even as his hands moved to her back, wrapping his long limbs around her in a hold that she should have found comforting, but seemed more like a result of him withdrawing into himself.

“Uh, guys, think we should move his discussion elsewhere?” Finn’s voice broke through their unwavering focus on each other, reminding them that they had a vast audience, one that was trying to put together the pieces.

Rey’s attention leapt from the man on the ground before her, to her surroundings, realizing that both Finn and Poe had come to stand a few steps away. Both of them had hands on their blasters and their actions spurred the others around them to take up arms, lest this stranger become violent.

“Let’s take this back to the Falcon,” Finn urged.

Rey nodded, knowing that their questioning was much better done in some form of privacy rather than in front of the entire Resistance.

Ben’s attention was unfocused on any one of them, gaze lost in some middle ground as he continued to question why he was still live. For a moment his eyes went wide as she tried to move him away from her so she could get up and help him regain his feet.

“Hey,” she said, hand coming up to tilt his chin, turning his gaze back to hers. “Hey, focus on me. I need you to get up.” She pulled on his arms, trying to wedge herself under one of his shoulders so she could help him stand. Her knees nearly buckled when more of his weight settled against her.

But then her burden became lighter as Finn appeared at Ben’s other side, pulling him up and steadying him when she could not.

Together, they led Ben back to the Falcon leaving Poe to deal with the crowd of onlookers. They got him settled on his pallet on the floor, propped against the wall with his long legs splayed out in front of him. Rey sat next to him, careful to keep some distance between them because she was uncomfortable with everyone bearing witness to an intimacy she was still trying to figure out, while Finn moved across the room to lean against the wall.

The minutes passed by in silence as Ben retreated inside his own head and they waited for the others to arrive.

Maz was the first, carrying tray of food and water which she settled on the floor before her and Ben. Rey tried to get him to drink, even going as far as bringing the rim of a cup to his lips, but he completely ignored her.

Rose was next, assisting a wobbly Kaydel as they carefully made their way over to the darjek table. The blonde sat heavily, brow sprinkled with drops of perspiration while Rose propped the other woman’s injured leg up. It was clear to see that the two of them were extremely nervous of Ben as neither of them dared to look away, keeping him the center of their focus.

Larma D’Acy and her fellow commanders were next, quickly followed by Doctor Kalonia. Everyone found places around the perimeter of the main hold, eyes fixed on Ben.

And lastly Poe.

“Chewie’s standing guard outside,” he explained, somehow knowing that Rey was going to ask about the Wookie. She wasn’t surprised that he didn’t want to see Ben right now. Standing guard over an unconscious man was very different than doing the same for a conscious one, especially given their history.

“What did you tell everyone?” Finn asked.

“Just that he was a prisoner,” Poe said.

Rey glared.

Poe shrugged. “What? Isn’t that what he is?”

“Let’s decide that after he answers our questions,” Finn suggested.

“Why haven’t you killed me yet?” Ben asked, suddenly refocusing on what was going on around him. The question was directed at both Finn and Poe. “You all know who I am, right? You all know what I’ve done.”

Her two friends shared a quick glance, then their gazes flitted to hers before returning to the man in question.

“To be honest, the thought crossed my mind more than once.” Poe answered. He gestured to Finn and Rey. “These two won’t let me.”

Ben turned his gaze to Finn. “You should have let him.”

Rey’s jaw dropped.

The words were little more than a murmur but in the confined space everyone heard him.

“You got a death wish, buddy?” Poe asked, his tone only half joking.

Ben didn’t hesitate to answer. “Yes.”

There was a beat of silence, one where Rey cursed herself for leaving to find something to eat earlier. If she hadn’t, then she might have been there when Ben woke and they could have discussed whatever was going on inside his head before involving any of the others.

“Because the First Order lost?” Poe was one of the few that didn’t seem phased by Ben’s blatant agreement. “Because your little plan to take over the galaxy didn’t work? Supreme Leader Kylo Ren failed and now he’d rather die than see the galaxy repair itself? Is that it?”

And if anyone in the room had doubted who Ben really was, they no longer did. They all knew the truth about the man before them and the tension in the room became all the more palpable.

Surprisingly, Ben chose to remain silent, infuriating Rey into responding for him.

“Ben turned against Palpatine. He stood beside me and we faced him together.”

Poe nodded, not taking his eyes off of Ben. “I know that’s how you see it, Rey, but I need to hear it from him.”

Again, Ben remained silent.

“Ben, tell them,” Rey urged, alarmed that he wasn’t defending himself. “Tell them that you left the First Order. Tell them.” His gaze focused on that unseen middle ground again. “Why won’t you tell them?”

“It doesn’t matter,” he said quietly.

Rey nearly growled. “Of course, it matters. Everyone needs to know the truth.”

“The truth?” Ben scoffed. “Most of them have already made up their minds. Why bother trying to convince them of anything else?”

“Why are you being like this?” Rey asked, throat constricting around her words. She didn’t understand. How could he have seemed so full of hope back on Exogol when he held her close only to lose all of it now?

Ben refused to answer, either choosing to ignore her or withdrawing into himself as his gaze became unfocused, and Rey had a moment to wonder if their shared near-death experience had broken him. She had never seen him this way. He had always been so focused. But now, he seemed so lost.

The observing group began voicing their questions and concerns, asking about where possible survivors of the First Order would go and accusing him of using her to help him kill Palpatine, but Rey tuned them out. She couldn’t focus on them while worrying about Ben’s mental state.

Instead, she turned her attention to the man in question, watching each of his breaths, half convinced his being there, and alive, was just a trick of her imagination. But he didn’t disappear and her gaze wondered up and down.

Ben’s pale skin contrasted against his dark clothing, the burned hole in his shirt revealing flashes of unblemished skin, a bitter reminder of the wound she had inflicted upon him. Rey found it difficult to swallow as she eyed that small patch of skin, remembering the ragged injury that could have easily been fatal had she not healed him.

What she hadn’t intended to do was take away the other mark she had given him, but in her grief, she hadn’t stopped at just his torso, leaning into the desire to fix everything she had done to him.

Her gaze skimmed across his features, cataloging each mole and freckle before landing on his mouth. She spent too long staring at his lips, admiring their darker shade, and only realized what she was doing when she wondered if she would get to feel them against her own again.

Rey told herself to stop thinking like that and actually shook her head at the notion. It wasn’t appropriate given the circumstances, especially with his current state. They both needed time to heal and time to come to terms with everything they had been through.

There was always the possibility that he wasn’t actually interested in her that way. That maybe he had just allowed her to kiss him because he had planned to die and one kiss wasn’t going to change anything. That the love she knew he felt for her was firmly planted in something akin to gratitude and didn’t extend into sexual desire.

The mere thought that her very first kiss might not have meant anything to him was enough to make her stomach clench and her entire body go cold, shivering even though the humidity outside had seeped into the Falcon and usually had her sweating.

“Rey!” Finn’s whispered voice broke through her spiraling thoughts.

She turned to him, realizing that he was trying to get her to pay attention to the current discussion.

“You know that once people realize who he is, they’ll be calling for his execution,” Rose said, bringing up a good point. 

“Prison’s an option, too,” Finn replied.

One of the commanders scoffed. “Is there a prison that could hold Force Sensitives?”

“He’s better off dead,” another responded.

“If you kill him then you might as well kill her, too,” Maz said earning everyone’s attention.

“Excuse me?” Poe demanded, giving a voice to the horrified expressions upon her friends’ faces.

"They are a Dyad,” Maz said simply.

Poe pinched his brow. “There’s that word again. Care to explain what it means?”

“They are bonded,” she explained.

“Rey already told us about that,” Finn said with a nod. “That they can see and speak to each other even when they’re on different planets.”

“I imagine they can do more than just that,” Maz said, turning so that only Rey saw her sly smirk.

Everyone else looked to her for some sort of confirmation so she gave a small half nod as she wrapped her arms around her torso, uncomfortable with the undivided attention.

“We can . . . pass each other things,” she said, unsure of how else to describe it. Then listed a few examples, ending with the most important one. “On Exogol, I was able to pass him Luke’s lightsaber so he could fight off his Knights.”

“Amazing,” Maz whispered. “Absolutely amazing.”

However, she seemed to be the only one who thought so. Everyone else just looked confused and still a bit uneasy to be in the same room as the two of them. And Rey couldn’t blame them. Most of them had grown up either believing Force users were a myth or seeing the Force used in negative ways. The only people who had ever seen her training with Leia were Finn and Chewie. Everyone else was either too busy to observe or not exactly welcome to do so since it was considered private. 

“I still don’t understand,” Poe said as he ran a frustrated hand through his already unruly hair, a nervous habit of his that Rey was surprised to have only just noticed.

“As I said before,” Maze replied, “they are a Dyad in the Force. Much stronger than the bonds between some Jedi and their apprentices. If you execute him then you are resigning her to a fate worse than death.”

“Is that true?” Finn asked as everyone’s attention returned to her again.

“I haven’t been able to search for it in Luke’s books,” Rey replied, ducking her head a little. Part of her was afraid of what she’d find so she hadn’t made researching their connection her top priority.

Poe muttered a curse and paced away from the group.

Finn stared at her for a moment, chewing on his thumbnail while he processed what Maz had said. “I’ll go get them. We can read through his books together, see if we can confirm this.”

“What do we do with him until then?” Kaydel asked, nodding toward where Ben still sat nearly catatonic.

“For now, he stays here,” Poe replied. “He’s not exactly in any shape to be starting a fight, right?”

Doctor Kalonia stepped forward. “If he were anyone else, I’d say it would be at least a week until he’s fully recovered from his wounds, maybe longer. But I have no idea how his connection to the Force will influence that.”

"We’ll continue to keep a guard on him, just to be sure,” Finn said.

“What do we tell everyone else?” Rose asked. “They’re bound to ask for more information.” Everyone’s curiosity was peaked. The Resistance leaders had a secret prisoner that wasn’t so secret anymore, and rumors were going to spread faster than a venereal disease in a brothel.

The group exchanged looks, waiting for someone to voice an idea.

“Why not go with the truth?” Rey asked, hating the idea of more secrecy.

Finn gaped at her. “You really want to tell everyone that he’s Kylo Ren? They’d blow up the ship with you on it.”

“That’s not what I meant,” Rey replied, frustration furrowing her brow. “Just tell them he’s Leia’s son. That he was a captive of the First Order and we freed him.”

She knew that there was so much more to the story than that, but in her mind, it was that simple. Palpatine’s brainwashing had turned Ben into a sort of prisoner. Now, with the Sith Lord gone, Ben was free of any outside influence.

“Does anyone else have a better idea?” Poe asked, voice dripping with sarcasm, but surprisingly enough, no one else voiced an opinion. 

“The fact that he’s Leia’s son should keep everyone at bay for the time being,” Maz said. And she wasn’t wrong. The former General was a legend, as was her legacy.

“Fine.” Poe came to the center of the room again and panned his gaze from Finn to Rey. “You two, start researching. You come to me the second you find something and we’ll reconvene. The rest of you, continue with your normal tasks. We’ll get this mess sorted out soon.”

Once everyone dispersed, Finn promising to join her again soon and Maz giving her a promising smile, Rey sagged against the same wall as Ben and stared into the empty space before her.

Poe was right. This whole situation was a mess, one Rey wasn’t sure how to deal with. On one hand, she had Ben to worry about, his mental and physical health, what them being a Dyad meant, and on the other she had the whole of the Resistance.

Part of her was tempted to head to the cockpit, start up the Falcon, and disappear with Ben where no one would ever find him. It may yet come to that if she had no other way to keep him safe.

But that course of action would tear her heart in two because she desperately wanted to remain a part of the small family she had found with the Resistance.

She loved Finn much like she imagined one would a brother. He had been the first person to come back for her and Rey would never forget that. She was also highly curious to see just how Force Sensitive he was and so wanted to be there to teach him whatever she could.

Then there was Poe. As much as he had badgered her about needing her to fly alongside them in the fight against the First Order, he had also been endlessly supportive of her learning to control her abilities and becoming more in touch with the Force. He had been the one to supply her with the parts needed to fix her lightsaber.

Rose had been her first and closest female friend once they had gotten to know one another. She was honest with Rey about her initial jealousy, at first believing that Finn was obsessed with her in an unhealthy way. Now they were able to laugh about it and exchange mundane things like the most efficient ways to do their hair, even including Kaydel to make it a trio as they traded gossip.

And there was no way she could forget Chewie and everything he had done for her: going with her to Ahch-To to find Luke, keeping her secret about going to Ben on the Supremacy, gifting her the Falcon because he said it’s what Han would have wanted even though the Wookie had more right to it than any one of them. Chewie had given her hope on her darkest of days, promising her that once the war was over, he’d take her to visit his family on Kashyyyk so she could see trees taller than she had ever imagined.

She was enormously thankful for each and every one of them and everything they had taught her.

But a sad part of her knew that if it came down to it, she would choose Ben first and not just because they were a Dyad pair, but more because she was the only one who knew what he had been through and also the only one in the entire galaxy currently on his side.

If only Ben would cooperate. If he would just tell everyone the truth. Then maybe there was some minuscule bit of hope that she wouldn’t have to choose between him and her found family.

“You should have let me die,” Ben said, breaking the silence with those six horrible words and Rey couldn’t hold back the pair of tears that slid down her cheeks.


	7. Chapter 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> With this chapter, we are going to explore a little bit more of Ben contemplating his situation. We’ll also be seeing Poe’s POV. Hope you like!

Ben spent the first few days of recovery withdrawn, lost in his own head.

Some part of him registered the fact that a doctor checked the progress of his healing wounds each day, even removed the brace around his leg as the bone was deemed sturdy enough for him to walk on unassisted. Similarly, that barely aware part of him even recognized Rey as she practically forced food and water down his throat.

But none of that was within the true focus of his mind.

He just couldn’t fathom the fact that the voices that had been influencing him since before he was born were gone. Ben searched everywhere, but only found them in memories and that confused him to no end.

Was it really just as Palpatine had said? Had the Sith Lord really been all of those voices? Was Ben really supposed to believe that now that Darth Sidious was dead, he was free to listen to his own thoughts for the very first time?

That idea alone was terrifying because how was he supposed to trust his own conscience? 

And to add to all of that, he was left to ponder what was to become of his current existence. In his heart, he knew he deserved death, and waiting for the remaining leaders of the Resistance to decide his fate was near agonizing. He wished they’d just do it already, drag him out into the middle of the forest and put him out of everyone’s misery. It would be better than a long and drawn out trial where they’d just decide to execute him anyway.

Rey would be the only one to mourn him, and he’d come to terms with that before he’d even gone to Exogol to face Palpatine. But she had enough people around her to distract her from his absence that he wasn’t worried. She wouldn’t be alone, and for that, he was grateful. She would move on, as she should, because as much as he had once hoped they could be together, he now knew that she deserved so much more than him and what little he had to offer.

Night had fallen some time ago. Ben only knew it because Rey had curled up on her cot across the room and fallen asleep.

She had exhausted herself yet again, studying an old stack of books for most of the day, discussing her findings with her ex-stormtrooper friend, Finn, when the man brought both of them food.

For a while, he stared as she slept, admiring her lithe form, a small part of him tempted to crawl across the distance separating them and mold himself around her. But he refrained, believing that she was better off without the complication his actions might bring.

The Force had been strangely absent since he woke the first time on his father’s ship and he was torn between concern and relief. He had leaned so heavily on it, specifically the dark side, that he wasn’t sure how to comprehend his inability to access it, his senses now blind to what was going on outside of his field of vision and hearing. The small part of him that found the absence to be a relief only did so because he had concluded that his previous connection to the Force was what had brought all of this misery upon him.

Rather than dwell on his thoughts longer, he hauled himself to his feet and made his way outside, stepping out into the moonlight, half wondering if he could find a ravine to pitch himself off of, and came face to face with Chewbacca.

Ben had only caught glimpses of the Wookie since he’d woken. Chewie was becoming very adept at vacating the room as soon as Ben fully regained consciousness. He imagined it was so the Wookie could refrain himself from tearing Ben limb from limb for everything he’d done.

The two stared at each other for an uncomfortable moment before Chewie turned and gestured for Ben to follow.

The humidity hadn’t dissipated when the planet’s sun disappeared, merely tapered off slightly, not quite smothering the inhabitants. Ben’s shirt clung to his torso as he limped along the trampled down path ahead of him, following the Wookie for some unknown reason. Maybe he planned to lead Ben away from camp so he could kill him without the risk of anyone stopping him.

Chewie led him around the encampment to a massive cave where a ship was docked, weaving around various piles of equipment before coming upon a small alcove carved into the rock.

He stopped to stand next to his furry godfather and peered inside, heart stuttering to a stop as where he was dawned on him.

His mother’s final resting place.

The pillow still held the indent of her head and the blanket maintained its wrinkles from where it had fallen as her body faded into the Force.

Ben barely registered Chewie’s quiet whine before the Wookie backed away and left him there alone.

A breath shuddered from his chest as his lungs seemed to constrict around his heart and his entire body went numb as remembered the last interaction they would ever have.

In her final moments, she had cast her consciousness outward, finding him baring down on Rey’s weakening form, calling out to him with the gentlest of tones. The action stayed his hand as he realized the enormity of what it meant.

His mother had been dying and decided to use the last of her strength to attempt to pull him back to the light rather than let him push a desperate and scared woman into the dark.

In some roundabout way, it had worked, though now all he could think about was how it shouldn’t have come to that. He should have gone with Rey after their defeat of Snoke and his guards on the Finalizer. He should have ignored Snoke’s orders and gone with his father when he had the chance back on Starkiller Base. He should have been strong enough to resist the darkness growing inside him as a young boy.

So many things he should have done.

At least, in the end, through his family’s various sacrifices, he had come to his senses in order to help Rey.

But in no way did that conclusion absolve him of his prior sins.

His numbness gave way to sorrow as the guilt of his past sins bore down upon him until tears ran unbidden down his face.

~*~*~*~*~

For the third night in a row, Poe found himself too restless to sleep.

So far, Finn and Rey had come up empty in their search through Luke Skywalker’s books, and he was beginning to think that they’d never truly understand the complexity of the bond between Rey and their prisoner.

He still found himself coming to grips with their situation, struggling to figure out what they were supposed to do with the former Supreme Leader.

Poe was firmly with those that called for the man’s execution. It would send a message to the rest of the galaxy that the war was truly over and that the Sith were no more.

However, both Rey and Finn were adamant that there was more to the situation than he understood. He knew it had something to do with the Force. His friends had placed their beliefs firmly in the mystical thing that guided them and Poe was hesitant to take their insistence at face value regardless of how much he believed in it too.

Realizing that he wasn’t going to fall asleep any time soon, Poe fled from his tent and began pacing a quiet circle around the base, nodding to those that were also awake, checking to see if they needed anything. A small flicker of jealousy made itself known as he found that most everyone else was sleeping, seemingly undisturbed by racing thoughts and concerns.

Soon enough, his feet led him to the one place he was sure to find comfort, his only sanctuary.

However, when he arrived, he found he was not alone.

“Hey!” he called out to the towering figure standing in the alcove. “What are you doing here?”

Kylo Ren didn’t move.

Poe stalked forward and grabbed the man’s arm, jerking him around, unintentionally steadying him as the sudden movement caused him to stumble.

“What do you think you’re doing?” he snarled.

Rather than answering, Kylo Ren just gaped at him, glassy eyes widening, obviously shocked to have been discovered.

“What are you doing here? Come to gloat?” Poe was hardly conscious of the words flowing from his mouth. All he knew anger and it burned at the sight of the former Supreme Leader in the only place where he felt close to the late General. “Just had to see where she died?”

“I’m sorry. I –“

Poe snapped.

Later, he told himself that it was the apology that did it. What right did that man have to apologize? Did he think it would change anything? That anyone would forgive him? That it would save his already black soul?

His right hand curled into a fist and faster than he could blink, Poe’s arm swung, knuckles connecting with the taller man’s cheek. The pain didn’t even register as his other hand reached out and grabbed at the staggering man’s dark shirt, pulling him back as his fist swung again.

Again and again, Poe punched him, letting out hoarse cries with each one, but never once did Kylo Ren defend himself, just letting the assault happen until his legs gave out and he fell to the ground. Poe crouched over him, one hand still wrapped in the man’s shirt while the other pulled back, ready to swing again.

“You didn’t deserve a mother like her,” Poe spat.

“I know,” Kylo Ren whispered.

“You don’t deserve to be here,” he growled between his clenched teeth.

“I know,” Kylo repeated, squinting up at him.

Poe released him, throwing the man to the ground as he paced away, then back. Rage surged within him. The hatred he had for the man in front of him made his blood boil and the next thing he knew his bloodied right hand found his blaster.

“I should just kill you,” Poe said, his finger hovering near the trigger even while a voice in the back of his head said he’d gone too far.

“Do it!” the man goaded. “Put me out of your misery. Then the Resistance won’t have to worry about what to do with me.”

The voice in Poe’s head, his conscience he realized, yelled at him to stop as he pointed the blaster at his enemy’s head.

“Do it! Kill me!” Kylo Ren begged, dissolving into despair as his breath was wrenched from him in a gasping sob. “They’re all dead. I killed them. Han Solo, Luke Skywalker, my mother.” Tears began streaming down his pale face as he pushed himself to his knees and grabbed at the blaster aimed for his head, pulling the weapon closer, pressing the barrel between his eyes. His voice dropped low, a near whisper as he said, “Please, just do it. It’s what I deserve.”

For a split second, his finger tightened, threatening to do just what the man asked.

Then, the voice in his head screamed and Poe found himself taking a step back, horrified by both his actions and the conviction he saw in the eyes of the man before him.

Before, when the former Supreme Leader had voiced his desire to die, Poe had believed it to be some sort of ploy to get them all to sympathize with him so they wouldn’t immediately decide to execute the man.

But now?

Seeing Leia’s son on his knees next to her death bed, begging, pleading for death, Poe knew it was what the man truly wanted.

He took a step back and wrenched the blaster away, letting it fall to his side as the man in front of him curled forward until his forehead pressed against the rocky ground.

How had this man once been the stone-cold killer of the First Order?

Maybe Finn and Rey were right when they said there was no much more to the story. The Kylo Ren he thought he knew wouldn’t be so torn up, wouldn’t say he deserved to die for what he’d done.

More confused and conflicted than he had been before, Poe turned away, pausing in his retreat when he saw that an audience had gathered around the small alcove, drawn by the echoing sounds of their yelling in the cave.

A frazzled Rey pushed through the crowd and went straight to where the other man was sobbing on the ground, sparing Poe a sad look as she passed by him.

Just like everyone else, Poe was locked in place as Rey knelt down, probably to try to sooth the inconsolable man. But he turned away and crawled across the floor until he could drape himself over the bed where his mother had died. He buried his face in the wrinkled blanket and muffled his bellow of anguish into the fabric.

In that moment, Poe was transported back in time to when his own mother had died. Shara Bey’s health had never been a cause for worry and considering how dangerous her career had been, none of them could have imagined a fatal ailment being the thing that ultimately defeated her.

Even though Poe had been a mere child, he could still remember how his world had been torn apart by her sudden departure. Sure, neither she nor his father had been around much when he was a toddler due to the war, but they had more than made up for it afterward. She had held him close when the monster under his bed threatened to eat him, had kissed every bruise and scratch he had earned in his imagined quest to defeat the bad guys, had even encouraged his love of flying and helped develop his early skills as a pilot.

Of its own volition, Poe’s undamaged hand found his mother’s ring on the chain he wore around his neck, clenching the metal tightly as repressed emotions bubbled to the surface.

They all watched Rey hesitate for a moment before reaching for Kylo Ren again, settling her hands upon his shoulder and back, rubbing small circles in some small effort to comfort the sobbing man all while holding back her own tears, and Poe realized that she hadn’t really been given a chance to mourn.

All he knew from her account was that Rey sensed Leia pass on through the Force and the only real time she’d had to mourn her mentor was when she had flown to Ahch-To and planned to go into exile. Afterward, as she flew to Exogol, she had no doubt been too focused on her mission, and since her return to the Resistance base he knew she had been too exhausted by both her recovery and her research to allow herself to truly feel, to come to terms with the fact that her teacher, the only mother figure she had ever had, was gone.

The crowd behind him began murmuring, whispering questions and comments to each other. One voice rose above the rest, telling everyone to go back to bed, ordering others to return to their posts and guard the encampment.

Poe remained in place, hoping to wait until everyone had gone so he could slip away without anyone knowing that the entire display in front of him had affected him beyond the anger everyone had already heard.

Finn appeared beside him and for a moment, Poe thought he was going to help Rey.

Instead, his best friend caught sight of his fracturing spirit and wrapped an arm around his shoulders. The tears dropped freely then as he choked on the memory of losing his own mother as well as the reality that the woman who had become his surrogate mother, the woman he looked to for strength during his darkest days, was also gone.

Finn’s grip shifted as his other arm came up, pulling Poe more fully against him, wrapping him in a strong embrace that under any other circumstances would have made his blood pump a little faster.

Poe buried his face against Finn’s shoulder, hiding his eyes so he didn’t have to watch Rey try to comfort the other man all while holding back her own tears. It was bad enough having to hear his broken sobs.

At some point, his tears shifted from those of mourning to those of shame. He knew everyone thought he was a hothead, but he’d truly lost control this time. He’d been so close to killing an unarmed man, and regardless of who the man was, he had been raised better than that.

The whole thing was made worse by the fact that the man had begged for death.

As much as he wanted to hate Kylo Ren, Poe could now see the person behind the mask, could see the grieving man that was Ben Solo.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> What can I say? I love tortured characters.  
> I have researched the cause of Poe’s mother’s death and can find nothing, just that she died suddenly when he was a child. If she would have died fighting, I feel like that would be heavily detailed, so instead I’m going with the idea that she died of some fatal illness. If anyone knows otherwise, please let me know.


End file.
